Sunday, March 29, 2009

Low Point.

I'm not lost on the irony that what helped advance my photography and Photoshop skills is now what haunts me daily.

I began the 365 project, on a whim, on December 22, 2006. No important date, just an arbitrary day at the end of December. I was quickly seduced by the group pool and all the possibilities. There are so many creative people in the world and, thanks to flickr, I was introduced to a few of them.

Over the course of the 365 project, I became more and more confident. "Hey, I'm not so bad." "I look pretty good in that shot." My self-esteem was rising, not just because of the bolstering from the flickr crowd, but because I was looking at myself in a photo. Every. Day.

When the 365 was concluding, I felt torn. What the hell was I going to do with myself?! How could I not keep taking a photo of myself? I didn't stop. I kept on going until...I stopped. It got old. My portraits were just crappy, end-of-the-day, arm's length shots. I felt a little relief and a lot of failure.

For a third time, I started in up again. It didn't last very long. I had an awesome new camera, but again, the arm's length shots were the rule, not the exception. So boring.

And now, while I have no desire for another year of the pictures, I am also short of ideas. I don't know what to take photos of. Nothing is appealing to me. Most things I see, I imagine my camera in front of my face, but I don't have the gumption to actually take the photo. Things have gotten so bad, I've been leaving my camera at home. This is sad, sad news. I am in constant internal conflict. Constant.

Today I attempted to take a few self-portraits. Abby is at my mom's and I have all the time in the world (OK, a few hours) to take some shots. I took 2 and I wanted to cry. I see myself now, as a soft, saggy blob. Where did the confidence go that I had when I was doing 365 the first time? I don't want to see myself anymore, but I don't know what else to see.


Kristine said...

Jaime, keep on taking them. If you loved the SP project the first time, I know you will start to love it again. And you are far from a saggy blob. You are beautiful inside and out. Don't forget that! Your pictures are gorgeous and awe inspiring. I always enjoyed looking at your stream. So what if they are not creative ever-day. That's not what it's about. You love photography and it makes you happy. Whether it's you, or Abby or the cats. It's a slice or your life and you will be so happy to have those pictures someday. :) Now I have to take my own advice, because I have been slacking BIG time. Thanks for making me see how important it is. *hugs*

Jaime said...

Thanks, Kris!