Monday, June 28, 2010

Over 2 months.

It's been over 2 months and I'm blogging without pictures. What a let down.

This blog will not be about school: stressful; knitting: active; sewing: inactive; baking: sporadic; cooking: minimal and lazy; instead, it will be about what has preoccupied my mind since, oh probably 2nd grade when a 7th grader said to me, and I quote, "You got a big ass."

I'm a bigger person. Always have been. And when I say "bigger" I don't mean fat, I mean large. I'm tall, and just generally large. I wear a size 10 shoe. I'm not saying, "Oh, I'm big boned, that's why I look like this." It's just to prove my point. Throughout my life, most of my friend have been petite, this only added to my ogre-ish feelings. Perhaps that's why I was always attracted to tall guys (husband is 6'5".)

I weighed myself the other day. I managed to gain 5 pounds in a week. Don't know how that happened. It's not menstrual. I weigh the most I ever have (besides when I was pregnant... that doesn't count.)

I weight more than I did when I started Weight Watchers in 2003. That go around I lost a lot of weight. 53 lbs. I kept it off too, until I got pregnant. Since giving birth in 2005, I've tried Weight Watchers 3 more times. THREE. Lost very minimal, and the progress was super slow. I got so discouraged, I quit. And managed to gain back more than I had lost. Such a statistic. A depressing statistic. I blame(d) Zoloft. I started taking that about a week after my kiddo was born. That's almost 5 years on it; I recently weaned myself off and have since started taking 5-HTP. So far, so good with the mental health. But, will it help me lose weight? Who knows.

So now comes the crux. I know I need to lose weight. I know it. I try. I get discouraged. I try to like myself despite the fact that I abhor how I look. The person I am on the inside isn't reflected on the outside. But why shouldn't it be? Just because I'm FAT doesn't mean I can't be sexy, or pretty, or funny. But, it's easy to be socially stupid and awkward and to hide behind the layers so I'm not looked at funny. "Oh, the fat girl. She *has* to be funny because she can't possibly be sexy." Not fair. And, on most days, I don't let this get to me, but it's easy to fall into this way of thinking. Too easy. I hate the word FAT. I don't use it around my daughter. My goal is to not have her preoccupied with weight. She's already a big kid; she's 4 1/2 and wearing a size 8. She's tall. Her weight is proportional. She is perfect. She towers over her classmates. I need to have a healthy attitude so that she has a healthy attitude.

So, how to lose weight without feeling like you're worthless if you're overweight? How? There's the health factor, sure.

I'm rambling. These thoughts are scattered in my mind and mainly, I'm just writing it to kind of piece things together.

I think a lot of times people see "fat" people and either feel disgust or pity. Disgust: "Just stop eating at McDonald's." Pity: "Poor girl, she'd be so pretty if she lost some weight."

Fact about me: I don't eat McDonald's. Fuck. I don't even eat red meat or chicken. I don't like cream sauces. I eat more than my fair share of fruits & veggies. I exercise at least 3 times a week. Yeah, I have ice cream a couple times a week, but not super-sized Dairy Queen crap. Real ice cream; either home-made ice cream, or Turkey Hill vanilla, no artificial crap.

Summation: Being overweight doesn't mean I'm worthless. Don't judge overweight people. You don't know why they're overweight; hell, they may not even know why.